Bullying is no rite of passage — it's torment

Graham was 14 when he and two friends were swarmed by a group of older kids in a random attack outside a convenience store in Burnaby, a suburb of Vancouver. The three boys went out just before midnight on a Saturday night to buy some pop when a group of about eight guys (ages 17-19) and a girl blocked them from entering the store.

"Out of nowhere, they just grabbed us and started punching us," Graham, now 17, recalls. "I got punched in the stomach, kicked in the face and the guy punched me in the mouth. It broke my front tooth in half. I tried to run away and they grabbed my jacket and wouldn't let me go."

Graham's friend, also 14, managed to escape. But his friend's 15-year-old cousin was pummeled mercilessly. "He got punched a lot," says Graham. "After I got away, they went after him. They dragged him through the prickle bushes and were stepping on him. When we got back, he had foot prints on his back — deep red cuts — from people stepping on him in the bush."

Compared to the plight of the older boy, Graham considered himself lucky.

"My nose was swollen for a couple of days, I was covered with blood and I had a broken tooth and a huge welt on my stomach. [But] I didn't get that much compared to my friend's cousin. He actually had a full concussion."

Graham says the assailants were relentless. "They probably could have killed us. That's how severe it was. They didn't know us; we didn't provoke them. I think they were just bored, looking for a good time."

Graham faced off with one of the bullies in court a year later, but the charges were dropped.

Graham's story isn't so rare. Every day, on and off the school grounds, kids fall prey to ruthless bullies who threaten, intimidate and abuse. Bullying behaviour is not always as blatant as outright violence and verbal abuse, either. There are more subtle, but equally damaging, ways of bullying, including shunning or "ganging-up."

Research suggests that, in most cases, the bully is trying to gain popularity or status by overpowering or ridiculing a more vulnerable child. Children who experience persistent bullying may become depressed, fearful and lose interest in school. In the extreme, victims are driven to suicide, retaliation, even murder. Experts say it's time adults recognized that bullying is a serious issue and isn't merely a "normal part of growing up," "a phase that kids grow out of," or something that kids should sort out for themselves.

According to Cindi Seddon, an elementary school principal and bullying expert who has co-authored two books on the subject, bullying is a huge issue, which crosses all social, cultural and religious boundaries.

"Bullying is the ever-present silent horror that belongs in every location where kids gather in a social grouping," says Seddon. "There's a social hierarchy; there are kids who are 'in' and who are 'out.' There are kids who are teased, who are tormented, who are left out, who are harassed. And all of those behaviours, when they have to do with power and control, are all bullying behaviours. We're not talking about an isolated problem. It goes on everywhere."

Adults have to be more proactive in their approach to the problem, says Seddon, so kids who are victimized don't feel alone and helpless. There has to be a better, more acceptable way for kids to inform adults about what they're experiencing and adults have to respond in a way that keeps the victim safe and doesn't stoop to bullying the bully.

"First of all, we need to recognize that [bullying] is not a rite of passage, that it is not something that we all go through and grow out of," she says. "Teachers are swamped, but need to take bullying seriously, be vigilant in watching kids, asking kids where they feel the least safe. We have to find ways for kids to report and stay safe."

Parents of potential bullies need to watch the way they are behaving as a couple (i.e. be respectful and no name-calling), while parents of vulnerable kids need to listen carefully and watch for signs of harassment.

Look for the signs of bullying; dealing with bullies

"It's the awareness we need to start building," says Seddon, noting that kids need to learn that it's unacceptable to endorse bullying behaviour, too. "Standing around providing an audience for a bully is giving your non-verbal support to what's going on." If kids stop watching or supporting the bullying behaviour, they can take away the bully's power.

Seddon suggest kids who witness bullying should walk away and report to an adult whom they trust. "We've got to teach kids the difference between ratting and reporting or tattletaling and telling. Reporting is telling to keep somebody safe or out of harm's way. Ratting is telling to get somebody else in trouble. Kids get that, they have a good sense of justice."

Experts say bullying has to be taken seriously because research shows children who learn to gain power through violence or aggression can carry the behaviour into adolescence and adulthood. Research suggests that 60 per cent of kids who are identified as bullies at age eight will have at least one criminal conviction by the time they are 24. Half of that 60 per cent will have two or more criminal convictions.

The best way to handle bullies is to try to funnel their negative behaviours into positive directions. "A lot of bullies have excellent leadership skills — they're just being used in the wrong way," says Seddon, who believes positive reinforcement is the best way to pull the bully out of his or her antisocial cycle. Bullies need to be taught to empathize with the victim. Adults should focus on the bully's strengths and encourage positive forms of leadership.

Graham's mother, Lorraine Gannon, says bullying takes so many different forms that sometimes kids don't even recognize that verbal abuse, like teasing or name-calling, can be considered bullying too. "There's sort of a fine line between joking and being abusive. If someone comes up and punches you, you think, 'OK, this is bullying.' But I think the verbal [abuse] and shunning, which is much more what goes on, those are the things that kids may not even realize are bullying. It makes them feel bad and it makes them feel uncomfortable, but I don't know that they necessarily put the label of bullying on it."

Gannon agrees the silent acceptance of bullying has to stop in order to make bullying go away. "The problem is the silent majority that don't do anything to stop the bullying. If they were to say, 'This is not acceptable,' then the bully would be the one who's ostracized."

Gannon's advice to parents is to listen carefully to what their children are saying and if kids can't solve the problem themselves, the parents should step in. Parents of victims should provide support, encourage self-esteem, confidence and effective communication in victims. Adults should also do what they can to help the child feel safe and help them cope.

"[Bullying] happens a lot more often than people let on," says Graham. "There's definitely no winner in it. It affects more than just the people who do get bullied – it affects people around them, the families, friends. There's got to be something done about it."